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FUBAR have managed to convince crooked former FIFA president Sepp Blatter to take some time out of his 6 year ban from footballing activities to EXCLUSIVELY preview the Premier League’s weekend action. Turns out it was an easy sell to Sepp, a few million quid under the table and a block of Emmental cheese.

To begin, I would like to publicly thank Chelsea owner Roman Ambramovich for the surprise Rolex that my daughter received yesterday. I look forward to your 3-0 win over West Brom on Sunday. A special mention to Tony Pulis, a man after my own heart, for I am sorry you lost your recent court case and have to pay back over £2m to Crystal Palace. Good effort, you could learn a lot from me.   

However, I would like to stress that such random gifts from owners and various Qatari Sheikhs are extremely unusual, and certainly didn’t affect my decision to award the 2022 World Cup to Qatar. I stand by my comment at the time that English people are bad losers and have never in fact taken an interest in English football, but the results for this weekend’s fixtures were emailed to me weeks ago, so I suppose I can ‘guess’ what they may be.

Arsene Wenger and I have been friends for a long time, an extremely frugal man and loyal servant of FIFA. I shall toast his side’s victory over Stoke with a glass of Bordeaux on Saturday evening.

Italian Watford manager Walter Mazzari knows all about managing in a corrupt league and I wish him all the best in bringing some of that mentality to the Premier League. His Watford team is distinctly average so they’ll need all the help they can get. The referee for their match against Everton is an old friend of mine, so I am almost positive his side will win.

What is a Burnley? They’re playing Bournemouth in what sounds like a horrendously boring fixture – I honestly don’t care about the result. The same goes for Hull City vs. Crystal Palace and Southampton vs. Middlesbrough. My source tells me that it’ll be three home wins, but I stopped bothering with small matches such as these decades ago. League championships and World Cups are more my thing now.

The only reason I care about Swansea vs. Sunderland is because of Bob Bradley. I used to love Americans until their silly corruption enquiries forced me out of my FIFA presidency. The World Cup in 2026 could have easily been held in America with my help. Not anymore. This match is huge for both teams, but apparently there was no winning bid from either club to win the match, not that I know anything about bribes, so it’ll be a useless draw.   

The more money in football the better, and both Leicester and Man City have billionaire owners which is what I like to see. However, Leicester are in horrible form so I know that they will be thumped this weekend.

Manchester United vs. Tottenham Hotspur is probably the biggest match of the weekend, and whilst Jose complains about referees a lot, his team’s results could dramatically improve if he stopped being such a cheapskate. That’s all I’ll say. This game will be a bore draw.

Finally Liverpool vs. West Ham United is a match between two clubs heading in the opposite direction. West Ham’s wonderful deal they negotiated for the Olympic Stadium is one of the most beautiful things I have seen in football in a long time. However, Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool side will win on Sunday 3-1.

Thanks to Sepp Blatter, we look forward to seeing him back in football in 6 years when his ban is over. He’ll still have plenty to offer aged 86. Follow all the action from this weekend’s matches on our Twitter page. Follow us HERE.   

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