MALKY MACKAY EXCLUSIVELY PREVIEWS THIS WEEKEND’S EPL ACTION

Just before he starts his new job as Performance Director for the Scottish FA, FUBAR have managed to pin down Malky Mackay to give us his predictions for this weekend’s football action. Fomer Scotland international Malky didn’t take much convincing; we just removed all his text messages from existence free of charge, and gave him a year’s supply of haggis.

I’ve had a lot of free time over the past three years to reflect on my views and it has been a really important personal journey for me, which has included evaluating my prejudices, and,  after all of that, I still fucking hate Swansea. When I managed Cardiff I loved beating them and really hope they get relegated this year with that American who is dressed like the milk-tray man. Cardiff vs. Swansea in the South Wales derby was a big game – Middlesbrough vs. Swansea tomorrow is not a big game. This 1-0 Borough win will be last on Match of the Day.

The early kick-off is Crystal Palace vs Chelsea which puts up a team in terrible form against a terrific Chelsea side. However, I do like Palace because they have a solid British manager – which is what the Premier League needs more of and less foreign tippy-tappy bollocks – so I’ll go for a very lucky win for Alan Pardew’s side, 1-0 with a Christian Benteke penalty.

Another solid British manager Mark Hughes’ Stoke City side take on the Premier League Champions Leicester City. I hate Leicester for obvious reasons. Italians like Ranieri can stick to pizza as far as I’m concerned – if it isn’t deep fried I’m not interested. Leicester are crap this season so it’ll be another home win here.

I wish fellow Scot David Moyes all the best in Sunderland’s match vs. Watford, but sadly I think even this wee laddie’ can’t save them from relegation, which already looks sewn up. I hope he’s just given the time to build a team unlike me when I was unexpectedly canned by Cardiff. I would have kept them up! Look where they are now, the bottom of the championship. Anyway, Watford will win this one.

West Ham vs. Hull City is a big game for both teams who are still looking to kick-start their seasons. I’m surprised West Ham haven’t been taken to the High Court over their Olympic Stadium deal like I have been with supposed dodgy transfers. I’ll take the app to categorically deny any wrong-doing. Taking a percentage of the fee is perfectly normal in my eyes and I learnt this from one of the best, Tony Pulis, who’s West Brom team take on Manchester United. I’m going for away wins in both matches.

The rest of the weekend’s games are big, big games. The South Coast derby, Bournemouth vs. Southampton will be a tight affair but I really think that Bournemouth are a lucky team so they’ll sneak it.

Manchester City vs. Arsenal is the big one of the weekend with lots of hype. Two foreign managers who think they’re God’s gift to football with their fancy playing styles and tactics will cancel each other out and it’ll be a boring 0-0.

Spurs vs. Burnley is a good solid British game of football and the game I’m most looking forward to. It’s a shame that Tottenham have an Argentinian manager but Burnley’s Sean Dyche is a wonderful man. He plays 4-4-2 no matter what the game requires and that’s what all teams should do. Spurs will win by three or four goals, though.

Finally, it’s the Merseyside derby on Monday night, which features Scottish Everton midfielder James McCarthy. I’ll be monitoring players like McCarthy in my new role for Scotland. Macca’s been so anonymous I bet you’d forgotten he was still playing. He’ll have a great game on Monday and Everton will win and mark my words, under my leadership Scotland will become more Scottish.

Thanks to Malky for that. Being an uncensored and unregulated radio station even we struggled to contain this man’s questionable views. It’s about as mundane as it gets.